Jesse

Jesse is a Slav from the collective peanut butter jar shared by all oceanic water cocks. He is well-known in his hometown of Stalingrad for being Slavic and coming from the collective peanut butter jar shared by all oceanic water cocks.

Childhood
Jesse was born in Moscow to two Communist farmers; in his youth, he was beaten mercilessly for being a staunch Capitalist and a pro-American fanboy. Upon turning 18, however, the boy ran away from home to investigate the sound of a cat choking in the woods. The choking cat turned out to be Pol Pot who promised that if he was saved from the wet ball of bird shit that was lodged in his throat, Jesse would be rewarded. Jesse refrained from performing the Heimlich maneuver so as not to offend the anti-German cat man and instead performed the Stalin maneuver - he seized the cat's means of production and shook them about until the cat shat uncontrollably all over a nearby sequoia tree. (The word "sequoia" has every vowel in it if you don't count the letter "Y".) After the cat had recovered, it turned into a fat Asian man who bellowed out, "Ho ho ho. Jesse has saved me from bird shit ball rodged in throat. Por Pot give great reward." Jesse bent over, but Pol Pot insisted that he had a different reward: anything that his heart desired. Jesse said, "Well... I don't like Cambodians that much." Pol Pot promised to exterminate them in the name of Jesse and thus, Star Trek was born.

Adulthood
Jesse converted to Slavism in the year ABC123. Through this religion, he met the spaghetti monster Hunter, the zipper head Eliot, and the Nazi boy Dal who threatened to kill the Slav in the name of the Axis powers. Jesse, flustered, grabbed his keyboard and slammed his head through it with a thick scream so as to challenge them to a game of Go Fish. The trio accepted. After Jesse asked if Hunter had any 9s, Hunter replied that he had two of them as he was 18 at the time. Eliot killed himself in disgust. Dalius, realizing that he didn't like fishing, left the scene. Hunter, after switching sides in the war like the gay Italian that he is, introduced Jesse to the world of video games. Jesse today specializes in breathing really hard during funeral missions in GTA 55 and running his brethren over for shits and giggles.

Slavism
Jesse is the Slav Pope. His mother, Latka Slavatka Palavitka Loglifter Boris Yeltsin, a short, old woman who wore a cloth around her head, spent most of her days complaining about the youth of today and was unable to supervise Jesse and prevent him from engaging in illegal activities such as Capitalism and whisky. His father, Ivan Gorchat Vladimir Lenin Klitchko Drago Ivelinovsky, was a professional Slav-squatter. He spent most of his days just as any other father would: in a reclining chair reading the newspaper. It was different in his case, however, as the man Slav-squatted in the chair and read the state-issued "Fabulous Russian News By Your Boy Stalin" newspaper while drinking twelve bottles of vodka. His brother, Jim, is the founder of Adidas. In November of 2021, Jim came up with the idea of a clothing line that made people more depressed; Adidas was born. Jesse's dog, Hope, whispers pessimistic and violent thoughts to Jesse while he sleeps.

Modern days
Jesse is currently studying Slavism in his homeland of Russia. Though he claims that Soviet Russia is a peaceful and democratic country, it is likely that he has been walled in and will never be seen again. Jesse can be contacted on VK - he tends to respond mainly to questions written in Cyrillic but also enjoys talking with others about vodka and syphilitic bears.

Quotes
"ZA STALINA!"

"Dad, please stop Slav-squatting at such a wide angle. I need space to enjoy vodka and show off my coonskin cap."

"Ssssssssup Dal. Hahahaha."

" *heavy breathing that counts as laughter* "

"BROTHERRRRR"

"Before you ask - no. I do not think that backing a car into Eliot in GTA 5 will win the Space Race. And no, I do not think that hijacking a tank will win the Arms Race either. But the only reason that Chernobyl collapsed is because we failed that funeral mission. I wasn't laughing; that heavy breathing was me trying to tell you guys that we had to go faster. You wouldn't listen and now there's biohazardous shit everywhere. Look what you guys did. So many fucking ducks and horses puked themselves to death in front of their moms because you wouldn't speed the fuck up. I hate all of you. They all have like five arms and six buttholes now and there's a movie to prove it. It's called Chernobyl Diaries. Watch it. It was terrible. Anyways, thanks for your help. With nothing. cx "